MASADA, ISRAEL, November 22, 2017 — I know when I am not being my true self, skin break-outs appear on my skin like a messenger of gloom. “Ohmigosh, I am not aligned with the Universe again,” were my quick thoughts!
“Not being true to myself” were instances where I found myself trying to cater to the needs of others before mine. You know, just to be polite. Even when I wanted to say wutduhfunk!
These were instances where my psychic door is wide open and I’d let everyone pass through it, step on my toes and take a pinch on my good energy. Imagine- if there will be too many people doing that and you’ll allow them all, what would be left for yourself?
This was one part of a mental conditioning, passed down by my grandmother to my mother and my mother to me. Well, that didn’t go very well for Concepcion, my mama. I sincerely believe that she became sick and died of cancer because of this way of thinking, and what I also believe and felt, to be “way of feeling.”
(Sometimes we cater to the whims of others out of guilt, or longing, or fear; and maybe it was because of a misunderstood notion of love. People we love have the capacity to hurt us more than others, as we also have the same power to do so on them. That is when we are not coming from, or meeting on authentic grounds.)
So there I was, in my late 30s, struggling not to become like my mother. But the more I resent the “way of feeling” she passed on to me, the more I became sicker. My psoriasis broke out and I had a bad case of hyperacidity. I am more dying inside than what my physical pains showed. What made me scared the most is the fear in the certainty that if I didn’t do something, I would pass on this unwanted scary heirloom to my own children.
And so before it was too late, there I was walking through the door of self-care programs. (At this Age of the Millennials, late 30s is a very late age to be awakened. However, my situation at that time screamed of “better late than never!”) It was the best investment I ever put my money on in this lifetime!
And guess what, whatever self-help or self-development program one subscribes to, they will all tell you the same thing: “Learn to embrace the wounded-ness that was passed on to us by our parents, our ancestors. Make peace with them, get the good and learn from the bad.” It is almost as universal as the hymn “Amazing Grace.”
I worked very hard to change an entire neural path, breaking the paradigms in my head, shaped by many generations of emotional afflictions and belief systems that had defeated my purposefulness.
I reached ground zero and built purpose after purpose, possibilities after possibilities from there.
It’s a funny thing though that despite winning our inner battles and as we continue to seek to be better human beings, we will come to learn at some point that there may or there might be no closure to each and every personal issue in our lives .
The key is, and I learned it the hard way, too, is to stay fabulous in accepting that -“there might be no closure” has the stronger weight over the other. I didn’t mean ‘fabulous’ in the context of ‘fashion’ – I mean it more on our way of thinking and feeling. (Experience taught me that we cannot separate the two in our quest to be our authentic selves.)
Our ‘wiring’ will sometimes be tripped to test our own mettle. Such is the design of life for those who seek to be better human beings. We will have many, not just few slips, for as long as we are alive. And still, we know deep inside us that we have yet to reach the point of being a better human being. It goes on and on.
The objective is practice- the slips are training us to automatically stand on our toes again, until we achieve better stance, emerging with a surprising split. (30)